We all know what bad thoughts come to feel like,bitter like limes, and how uncertainty finds a way to build brick walls before our life at times, I find battering it down to be so difficult, even at my prime. And we all know these negative feelings and thoughts will not last forever.
And these times are times when I sink in to a low state of mind, I feel a dark storm slowly forming from the back of my mind, shifting its way through the shadows to the forefront, the war front, of my mind.
Maybe a lack of sleep? with the self pressure and self criticism that corners me into this way of hyper sensitivity, which always seems completely irrational to me.
I want to talk and do my tasks, work on the things that will surely last, instead of being glued to mistakes of my past.
Work on those things that I enjoy and believe in, yet I feel so detached it’s almost impossible until the storm has passed.
I here a voice saying ‘just hold on, don’t struggle, let it pass’ And how I held it against myself for loosing that time, feeling my dreams and hopes into the darkness subside.
Thank God, I am still alive.
‘If only i had fought harder, stood taller, was born larger, knew my biological farther’ then I could sit with a good sense of gratification, knowing I would be confident in my action… as I wander in this seat, then this darkness would surely be breached, the sunlight would seep and destroy this darkness like mould wiped out by bleach, instead, for this storm of lowly distortion, and black clouds of great depth, my dreams are besieged, and I feel like death.
Thoughts of God in my mind…’help me please, let alone this darkness, I want to bring myself humbly and sincerely to my knees’ – is like deep diving in the darkest of seas, purple waters deeper than a cliff faced scree plunging far into the sea.
So will I trust myself to raise a limb, even when my life is dim, would then I even dare to swim, following a decision to go deep within, a venture to uncover the rotten blanket covering sin, surely I would win … or do I reside, on the questionably, safe of the land and claim I don’t need to dive because I know who I am, a man with hands, well drop the pride, go ahead and dive, I can only promise you’ll make it out alive, I doubt you’d be the same, my brain says it’s about time He took the reigns and bore this stain, because all these thoughts and feelings cause me far too much pain, I wander when they will return again? As soon as it passes I’m so eager to take risks and chances, I know better than to take my life for granted, in this window of opportunity, to these attacks of darkness I want immunity,
I believe people are stronger in community, not to be left alone, feeling broken without a home… no wander i’m weird, just differently wired, a little insane, seeking coherency in my thoughts once again, will the heart of man ever truly be self-tamed?*–>
we have to channel feelings somewhere, I thought I had the power to keep all of this contained, store it all in my soul and brain, well, I hit a dam again, became emotionally unwell again…
–>*I believe not, -like a river flows, channelled down, that hits a dam, Damn!
It’s course is discourse, if only the capacity was strong enough to smash this dam through by force,
then It could flow freely on its natural course, I need more strength to break it down, so join my rivers course so I can flood the land, be a giving hand, for once in my life have the upper hand!
forget boyhood, become a man ‘ I think I hit another dam, will I break through… OF COURSE I CAN!